My favorite take on the whole thing thus far:

• Each one of Asante Samuel’s dreadlocks is a stick of dynamite.
…
• Tom Brady can burn through locks with his smoldering eyes.

• The apostrophe in Donte’ Stallworth’s name is actually is a listening device.

• Vince Wilfork conceals a surveillance van underneath his jersey.

• Former wide receiver Reche Caldwell’s eyeballs were actually surveillance cameras, but like his hands, they malfunctioned in the AFC Championship Game.

And I think that’s the last story I’ll bother reading about this. At least the Boston Sports Media Machine will have something to write about for a little while (not to mention the rest of the national sports media).